


Let It Be

by kreamhyuck



Series: Cannot Hide My Love For You [2]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Denial, Fluff, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Realization
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-11
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2019-11-15 16:42:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18077129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kreamhyuck/pseuds/kreamhyuck
Summary: He never had a crush on a boy. Never had thought of a boy. Never had loved a boy. Except Renjun.Or Jeno is in denial and Renjun is strict with his rules.





	1. Chapter 1

Jeno does not know when it started. He has been, in his whole existence, _straight,_ Donghyuck’s words, alongside with Mark. Mark and he are the sore thumb sticking out of their friend group, again, Donghyuck’s words, because as the intellectuals the rest of them are, they exclaim to be proudly rainbows and unicorns and _gay_. And in all honesty, Jeno does not quite understand the metaphors used but he knows Donghyuck once _gracefully_ flopped their English test to a percentage of 63 drawn in a shocking red color and so he chose to ignore the younger.

Wallowing his thoughts from where it all began, he came across a favorite memory of his, back in middle school, when all Jeno has was chubby cheeks and thick prescription glasses. They were formed in groups to reenact a scene from the story assigned to them by their teacher. Jeno remembers being the tree and the flower, Mark being the prince charming as voted by all the girls in their class, most of them does not even belong to Jeno’s group while Donghyuck pestered their leader on taking up the role of the evil step sister so he can wear the frilly glittered cape. And while the girls kept cheering for Mark at first, Donghyuck quickly gotten the attention to himself when he all but shouts the lines in English with his weird intonations when their reversed script was in Korean. Cheers and laughter erupted from the class and Jeno knows how proud Donghyuck that day was to finally beat Mark on being a crowd favorite, much to his competitiveness. Renjun and Jaemin were assigned on a different group, and so Jeno was able to watch them in focus without trying to contain his laughter. Their group was assigned to a historical concept, Jaemin being the crown prince because, _“Why not?”_ while Renjun acted as some kid from a poor family. Jeno recalls being excited that he can finally make fun of Renjun and Jaemin after the endless teasing he got from the duo for being selected as the _classmate who looks like he can’t act,_ finally being allocated for the important roles of background sceneries. He did enjoy mocking Jaemin’s expression of the crown prince, as the poor boy’s voice cracks every now and then in trying to make it hollower and deeper, just like as it was described. But Renjun was different from Jaemin in many ways. He’s on another league. Renjun’s character was supposed to beg and cry, and Jeno, who was just a bratty kid with a grudge on his friends was ready to empty his lungs from laughter. But the laughter never came.

Renjun was mesmerizing. Yes, the acting was a bit stiff at some points but then he started sniffing, the tip of his nose had turned into a considerable shade of pinkish red, and then it came. The tears that spilled from Renjun’s starry eyes, gracefully decorated his then plump cheeks. The cries he heard from his friend are enough to make Jeno’s own nose start a sniffle. Jeno tried to contain it but tears were eventually let out of his eyes as Renjun pleads and cries for food. his heart breaks to thousand pieces as he sees Renjun gets kicked at the stomach which he knows was all acting, but he can’t help it. He’s quite protective. Renjun cries more as his character eventually dies from hunger. As he was lying on the floor, his eyes slowly shutting, his classmates and teachers are stunned in to several seconds of silence until they exploded into a round of applause and standing ovation. Renjun wasn’t even a main character but he had the whole class wrap around him, just like that. And to say that Jeno was moved was an understatement. If he was being honest, he knew he fell in love with Renjun at that moment.

 *

It was Jaemin who had noticed it first. Jeno’s lingering stares on a certain Chinese boy who happens to be their friend, best friend, who usually scorn Jeno for dipping his pizza on honey. In Jeno’s defense, pizza and honey are the best combination and the taste that it brings on his tongue is out of this world. Renjun thinks he’s the devil for doing the pizza slices dirty.

“It was just one time!”

“One time was enough, _bro.”_ Jaemin retorts.

That one time was probably Jeno’s woe. The image of Renjun with his eyes on fire as he focuses on decorating his white sneakers with acrylic paint. Renjun was the artist in their group, alongside Donghyuck. And maybe Donghyuck has his interest only on sketching, the very reason why he joined the art club, no more no less, Renjun has quite the appreciation. He loves art. He worships it. Every form of it, every bit of it. No matter how simple or detailed, every piece of work holds something deeper in meaning inside Renjun’s mind. Jeno’s part of the science club, which was a room right next to the art club, where Renjun usually stays. That day, Jeno chose to sit in at Renjun’s table for they have no activities at the moment. Renjun let him and stay in comfortable silence, minding their own business, Jeno on his homework, Renjun on his sneakers.

It was just breath-taking. The paint on the sneakers. It ranges from deep blue colors to bright lime green and it was supposed to be incompatible but Renjun makes it work because he is a god. Okay, maybe Jeno was exaggerating but he really did find the design enticing. It was then when Jeno’s eyes moved a little bit higher to where Renjun’s face is completely visible under the sunlight. He was glowing. There’s a bit of sweat on his forehead and little bumps of pimples under his jaw but the imperfections just seem to accentuate Renjun’s natural beauty. It doesn’t help that Renjun was humming with that sweet, sweet voice of his. It’s as if Jeno was watching an angel trying to lure him into doing whatever he wants and Jeno would have complied. Ironic, because Huang Renjun is hell sent. He was brought back to reality when he hears a clearing of a throat not too far away, deer eyes looking at him questioningly and a stupid grin directed to nobody but Jeno.

“I see you two are getting C-O-Z-Y.” Jaemin singsongs, a brow raised, his face filled with teasing. Jeno wants to punch him in the face.

“Go away Jaem.” Renjun says on an irritated tone, probably pissed for being disturbed, his little hands gripping the paint brush looking like it will break from the force. Jaemin wouldn’t be Jaemin if he didn’t pry and so he did. Looking pass over Jeno’s sneer, Jamin peeked at Renjun’s now almost complete work. And even though Jaemin could be a jerk sometimes, he has a soft spot for Renjun as they were the closest in their circle. A little _wow_ was elicited from Jaemin’s mouth as Renjun finishes his work with a touch of yellow somewhere at the center. It was amazing how Renjun manages to make his weird taste of colors to work out. Renjun nods at no one, probably at the sneakers, and as soon as he dropped the paintbrush on the mud colored water, his head whipped to Jeno.

“These are for you.” Renjun says in a soft voice, Jeno almost didn’t catch it. Jaemin only hums, and Jeno only had his mouth fall ajar.

“Ha- happy birthday.” Renjun looks at everywhere else except Jeno, his ears and cheeks are red, and his lips pursed into a cute pout. Jeno wants to coo at Renjun’s expression but he quickly forgotten it as the words processed on his brain. 4/23. Tomorrow is his birthday. And Jeno has totally forgotten. This time, Jaemin had gasped, repeatedly slapping Jeno’s arm to express his shock but Jeno, to no avail, was speechless. It was out of the blue and the act itself was endearing enough to make Jeno’s heart beat faster and faster as heat crawled up to his cheeks spreading like wildfire in a hue of pink. Jeno says an idle thank you but the smile that was plastered on his face, his eyes crinkling up to perfect crescents, is enough to convey his feelings that he is happy, and he loves it. if Jeno could give meaning to the events of that day, he would describe it as when Renjun had made his way into Jeno’s heart, capturing it, making it his own, as Jeno welcomes him with open arms. Jeno would not voice it out, but the sneakers, which he had grown out of, are safely tucked, still in their best condition, and hidden in secrecy in the form of Jeno’s closet. 

 *

“You okay there, Jen?” Donghyuck asked from across the room, his head is perched on his pillow with his lips forming an adorable pout, something Donghyuck had used on all of them for his own convenience. He had always been a trickster but Donghyuck is considerably too kind for himself. He is always selfless when it comes to his friends and Jeno, being his favorite person (Read: Target) had been the receiving end of his unconditional love (and skinship). It wasn’t out of the ordinary for Donghyuck to notice whenever Jeno’s mind is up to something. Be it the littlest thing bothering him or something completely opposite, Donghyuck, who had seemed to have a habit of reading Jeno’s mind, would always know. Jeno, if it was any other time, would had told his best friend about the dilemma he is going through. Problems are supposed to be shared because one can only handle too much, but this time around, Jeno thinks a bit before refuting to tell Donghyuck about it. He knows Donghyuck wouldn’t press because that’s how he is. He waits instead, telling Jeno that if ever needed someone to talk to, Donghyuck will always come to him first, anytime, anywhere.

“Even in hell?” Jeno jokingly said, suddenly forgetting about the things in his mind. Donghyuck scowled at him for bringing up a petty joke but still responded with:

“Yes Jen, especially in hell.”

 *

The dilemma of Jeno is masked with the word _denial._ He is, in denial. His brain is refusing some of the facts that Jeno’s heart had consistently brought upon him. The endless negation of the severity of his situation doesn’t help with Jeno’s well-being and it’s been messing up his mental state. It sounded so wrong in his own ears, to tell himself that what he has been having, whatever it is, wasn’t it. But for all the years he had lived, he had always known the fact that it wasn’t towards boys. He never had a crush on a boy. Never had thought of a boy. Never had loved a boy. Except Renjun. And it’s hard, so hard, that it makes Jeno’s stomach churn. He wasn’t supposed to realize these things but Renjun just have to be so damn pretty in under the street lights, his eyes glimmering into galaxies of stars. His whole being is fashioned into an artistic ploy of a fiery tiny man with with melodic laughter and sickeningly saccharine smile. It always renders Jeno into a state of contradiction, reprimanding him from knowing what he really wants and what he really feels. Because at this moment, all Jeno could think of is, _it’s wrong, wrong, wrong._ But really, he thinks again, what really is wrong?


	2. Chapter 2

It wasn’t Jeno’s intention to be caught up in the moment as he knows himself there isn’t anything or _anyone_ that would make him as flustered as he is now. The last time Jeno got tomato red and a stuttering mess was when Donghyuck left a big loud saliva-filled smack on his cheeks back in their high school graduation day, the latter grinning from ear to ear, as he congratulate his best friend in making it to their most awaited ceremony. Jeno shouldn’t have been _that_ red since Donghyuck was naturally clingy and it wasn’t like he only kissed Jeno. As a matter of fact, he knows Donghyuck had kissed Jaemin, Mark, and Renjun too. And there goes Jeno’s problem, it was Renjun. The way he watched Jeno wipe away the clammy spittle resting on his cheeks as Jeno’s face morphs into disgust, the way Renjun tried to stifle a giggle but ended up loud enough for Jeno to notice him watching with a spark of glint in his dark brown eyes, the way Renjun smiled dreamily at his direction, that his eyes formed half moons, not as perfect as that of Jeno’s but more artful and smitten and Jeno can no longer contain the heat traversing through his veins that he feels like there’s hot steam coming out visibly off his ears.

Jeno does not remember if he actually smiled back or just continued to remain weirdly stoic but he knows with the way Renjun gave him an amused look, as Renjun blearily stepped forward to Jeno’s direction and despite his obvious exhaustion, Renjun, as he’s mere inches away from Jeno’s body, laughed merrily as he mocked Jeno’s expression, he probably caught the flush. “Congratulations to us.” Renjun smiled with his teeth which are now decorated with braces, much to Jeno’s dismay, (Jeno loved Renjun’s snaggletooth but the older doesn’t seem to be that much of a fan, hence, the braces) and lifted up his right hand for Jeno to shake. Jeno snorted out a low laugh because that is a typical Renjun behavior. He took Renjun’s hand shakily, his palms sweaty but thankfully, he doesn’t have to explain why since the auditorium is humid enough for people to sweat that much, and shook Renjun’s hand firmly as he says his congratulations back.

*

Jeno knows college shouldn’t be a determinant on how strong the relationship he have with his friends, especially since most of them have known each other from childhood except for Jaemin whom they only met back in high school, but Jaemin is Jaemin, he easily fits in, and all of them resides in one building, Jeno with Donghyuck as his roommate and Mark with Jaemin, while Renjun was roommate with another student whom they never actually met not until after three weeks through uni when Renjun fell sick and his roommate, Yangyang, whom had no inkling, not even one, on what he’s supposed to do when there’s a sick person, came knocking on Jeno and Donghyuck’s door, declaring that Renjun might be dying out of dehydration. Jeno recalls being drowned with guilt for he was supposed to be monitoring all of his friends because that’s somehow been his role since, like, forever, but because he was too preoccupied in coping up with the whole ordeal of being a broke college student, he somehow had forgotten that he actually have himself tied up into his idiotic circle of friends who were supposed to be responsible adults but are actually just dumb college students who doesn’t even know how to fry an egg. But then, it started getting harder and busier and stressful until Jeno got lost in his own time, barely eating and sleeping to keep up the grades he wanted, that he hadn’t actually realized he hasn’t seen Donghyuck, his roommate, three steps away from his bed, his best friend, in two months, and that goes along with the rest.

“Freaking two months Lee Jeno!” Donghyuck was glaring from his side of the room, his arms crossed sternly across his chest as he let out a sigh so deep, Jeno was actually scared that Donghyuck might choke on air. If it was any other day, Jeno wouldn’t have been there in his bed, receiving the tempestuous lecture of Donghyuck on how to survive university life without slowly killing one’s self. But because Jeno is actually one hell of an idiot, Donghyuck’s words, he ended up catching the flu virus. He was incapable of even getting up from his bed to use the bathroom without Donghyuck dragging his ass down. He’s thankful Donghyuck wasn’t that harsh on his words but it isn’t Donghyuck if he didn’t let Jeno have his own dramatic embarrassment. Of course, Donghyuck told _all_ of his friends, including Jisung and Chenle who were left back in their old high school building as seniors. Jaemin visited him that night as he smooches Jeno all over his face knowing well enough Jeno could not retaliate. Mark laughed at him for getting sick despite the fact that Jeno has been scolding the rest of them about how they’re too reckless but still gave him a big tight _bro_ hug in the end, wishing him well. Jisung and Chenle only called to tease Jeno and promised him they will buy him ice cream once he goes back at their hometown. It wasn’t like Jeno was anticipating his friend’s visit, if all else, he would have been more than okay with just Donghyuck’s persistent nagging and affectionate nursing in which Jeno is sure it’s too much for him to tolerate.

But it has been 2 days since he had fallen sick, 2 days since Donghyuck decided it was better to announce in their group chat about how Jeno was such a _dumb dumb,_ 2 days since, not that Jeno was waiting, not at all, Renjun knew about his condition. 2 days. But there’s no sign of Renjun at all.

 *

Jeno knows he shouldn’t wait for the older since deep inside, there’s this littlest idea resting on his mind on why Renjun shouldn’t even bother with him at this point. In Jeno’s defense, he was just being… wary. Wary of the strikingly loud pounding of his heart whenever Renjun’s within his sight, or the intense shaking of his hand whenever Renjun’s within his reach, or the endless string of thoughts forming on his mind about a certain boy whose laughter brings colors and rainbows and make flowers bloom and it makes Jeno’s head ache in the loudness of his thoughts at the middle of the night. The last time Jeno saw Renjun was last month when he was studying at the library, preparing for a sudden long quiz for physics. Studying until closing times had now been a habit of Jeno and even when he knows physics is one of his stronger subjects, he doesn’t want to risk even a little bit of his grades to slack off or sleep earlier than his usual, and so he stayed.

It was halfway through the chorus of EXO’s Universe when he noticed him. The familiar back of the center of his late night thoughts. Renjun. He was sitting at the farthest corner on a single table, his head slumped down. Jeno knows even when he’s meters away from him that the older is probably sleeping, given the way his back steadily rises and fall. Jeno hesitates once he reached Renjun’s side. The library is already closing and obviously, Renjun was still sleeping, snoring lightly, that it makes Jeno’s ears tingle in a ticklish manner. Jeno sighed once, twice, until he reached for Renjun’s unsuspecting broad shoulder to shake him off as lightly as he can. It’s a good measure Jeno has known Renjun for years, and so he knows how groggily infused he is with sleep right after waking up, and it is _not_ a good mood.

“Junnie, come on, the library is closing.” Jeno says in a soft, mildly affectionate tone he reserves for Donghyuck days (yes, Donghyuck has his own days and Jeno, as his bestest of friend is obliged to spoil him all day long) to ease him up into waking. Renjun started to stir up, his eyebrows are forming into a straight line where Jeno had the mental desire to flatten out the creases forming but held himself down instead.

“Liu Yangyang, I swear…”

Jeno had never experienced jealousy before, but he knows how it works. Donghyuck had told him about the times when Yukhei started getting close with a senior back in high school and the said symptoms includes a bad mood, piercing gazes towards the subject of the said emotion, probably teary eyes, depending in the severity of your feelings, and a dull ache in the chest accompanied by endless questions of _why._ Jeno sighed, and tried again, adamant to ignore the forming pain in his beating heart.

“Junnie, it’s Jeno. Let’s go, the librarian’s ready to kick us out.”

At that, as if on cue, Renjun’s eyes flew open, red veins present on the sides, glazed.

“Huh, Jeno.” Renjun said, blinking his sleep away, and Jeno can’t help but be fond. Never mind the pain, Renjun is Renjun, and Jeno knows he’s a lost case.

 *

On the third day, Jeno was feeling much better that he can even breathe on both of his nostrils. Still, Donghyuck insisted that he rest just to be sure Jeno won’t be contracting the flu back. He’s scheduled to have the shot the next day, and since it’s a Friday, where Jeno’s schedule is the least packed as Saturdays are always the off campus activities he signed up for, Jeno did not protest. It was at exactly fifteen past one in the afternoon when Jeno woke up from the knocking of their door. It was getting louder every passing second and Jeno had to suppress himself from groaning more than he had done for the past minutes of refusing to wake up.

“Renjun?”

Renjun gave him a big smile and walked past the door which Jeno had previously flung open so hard, the hinges might come off. Jeno naturally felt ashamed but Renjun didn’t bat him an eye so he let go.

“Jun, what are you doing here?” Jeno asked behind his glasses, a yawn approaching. Renjun placed the eco bag he was holding, stood there for a while, then walked back to Jeno as he held out his hand to touch his forehead, then hummed.

“I guess Hyuckie’s been taking care of you. I’m sorry I just visited now, I was having some… things. But let’s get you to bed now!”

Renjun took Jeno’s wrist and pulled him away from the living room, up to his bed. Jeno is not sure if he’s being delirious from his almost cured fever but Renjun is there, right beside him, his pretty smile gracing Jeno’s existence, he’s currently feeding Jeno some kind of soup? Noodles? (“It’s wanton.” “Watson?”) and humming beside him. Jeno wasn’t sure how he slept after that but when his consciousness got back, and his eyes are slowly trying to fight the haze from his sleep, he felt a brush of hair on his cheeks, so soft, it’s almost as if it was silk. It was Renjun when he turned around. Renjun, sleeping peacefully beside him, his eyelashes fanning down on his cheeks. There’s dried drool just at the corner of his mouth and it was almost breathtakingly beautiful. _Almost_. Jeno had to stop himself from caressing the plump cheeks of his friend, from combing his hair with his fingers, from booping his nose, it was painfully irritating that Jeno had started sniffing, and in a matter of seconds, tears had started spilling over his round brown eyes. It has been too loud, Jeno guesses, when Renjun stirred up from his sleep and was startled to see Jeno crying. Renjun was asking him whys and whats but Jeno’s brain isn’t processing any information at the moment except for him to _cry, cry, cry._ It was too painful that Jeno had to clench his hands around his chest and groan in his high.

 *

“Jen, here, drink your water.”

That was Donghyuck by his side, his expression contorted into confusion and worry. Renjun was long gone. When Jeno couldn’t stop crying and won’t tell him what’s happening, he hastily called Donghyuck who was having his choir practice. Thankfully, he was on break, and ran as fast as he can to their room, just to see Renjun panicking over a then dizzy Jeno, still crying buckets of tears. Renjun didn’t want to leave but he had somewhere he needed to go, leaving a still perplexed Donghyuck and unapproachable Jeno. He hear him say _“please take care of him, Hyuck._ ” And then left. Jeno does not know how many minutes have passed but he is sure that Donghyuck is slowly losing his patience since Jeno had stopped crying the moment Renjun decided to leave.

“What’s going on, Jen?” Donghyuck asked, now with a bit of intensity. Jeno drifted his eyes to his duvet where his hands are currently clasped on the material. He opened his mouth, too dry, he noticed, but closes it again as there are no words he thinks he can use at his situation. He sucked in ragged breathes one after another and it wasn’t his intention, maybe the flu is making him feel emotionally stressed that the tears that had dried up suddenly flooded his eyes. He hears Donghyuck sigh by his side and Jeno was afraid his best friend will leave him for being a crying mess. But he felt his mattress dipped down and then Donghyuck was wrapping him around his arms.

“Shh, it’s okay, I’m here for you, love.” Donghyuck says as he cradle Jeno’s body so carefully, Jeno thinks he might break. He started to cry even more but words had been hanging on his tongue, and so he started:

“Hyuck, I don’t know what to do.”

“What do you mean? It’s okay, you don’t have to-“

“No, I mean it. Hyuck.” Jeno pulled away, his eyes too red from crying, his cheeks flushed with a hue of red and pink.

“Renjun.” Jeno starts, as Donghyuck tilted his head on the side, confused.

“Hyuck, what should I do? I… I know what my preferences are. I know it, I’m still attracted to women. But Renjun. Hyuck, why is Renjun different??”

Donghyuck, by this time, had his mouth hanging open and his eyes agape in realization in where Jeno was getting at.

“It hurts me whenever I see him, whenever I’m with him, I want him, Hyuck, and I’m scared because… because isn’t this wrong?”

Donghyuck, at this point had his eyes slumped shut, his lips forming a pout.

“Do you think I’m wrong for loving someone of the same gender, Jen?”

“No!!” Jeno practically screamed. “That’s not what I meant. That’s you, and me, aren’t I different?? I’m, I’m supposed to be... straight. I wasn’t supposed to feel anything towards… someone, but Renjun, he’s always been different. From the very start, he was different, I-“

“do you like Injunnie, Jen?” Donghyuck asked in that very high pitched voice of his he uses when concerned, his eyes wandering around Jeno’s own orbs, looking for answers that Jeno himself doesn’t have.

“I… I’m not sure, Hyuck.” He slumped down, sniffing his remaining snot from crying too much. Donghyuck hummed at him and gave a small appreciative smile.

“It’s okay, Jen. You have time to figure that out. Just know that,” Donghyuck pulled him back to his arms, his hand moving up to his head, detangling the strands on his damp hair. Jeno felt his breath hitch in the act, finally making himself comfortable under Donghyuck’s touch.

“It doesn’t matter who you like. We’re all humans. We do things, we feel things. Love is love, Jen. It’s that simple. Don’t make it complicated for yourself, love. Let your heart do the work. You’ll be surprised at how easy you’ll figure things out.”

*

It has been months since Jeno had his questionable breakdown that he still disguises as side effects of the flu and his meds. Naturally, his friends knew about it, (“Hyuck, why is Jaemin telling me he’ll hug me every day from now on?” “Hmm, I wonder why?”) Jisung tried to pry but was immediately shut down by a concerned Donghyuck, and Renjun, Renjun did not press him any questions, in which Jeno was thankful for, but he was _heavily_ scolded for practically being a good, hard working student. Eyes were rolled when Jeno tried to defend himself, Jaemin giving him an unamused look, belittling Jeno’s advances in glorifying his _academic sacrifices_ because 1) It was completely unnecessary, since Jeno, even without the overwhelming effort, can still manage to maintain the grades he wanted. He was just too anxious and in result, made him too stressed and 2) It wasn’t mentally healthy. Reasons already given and proven.

It has been chilly lately and despite the fact that their bodies aren’t insulated enough, their spirits are intensely frenzied, since the cold weather means it’s already winter, and winter comes with one of the most awaited winter showcase of their university. Music, arts, and theatre students are mandatory to perform and participate while some clubs are encouraged to join.

Donghyuck who has been accepted in the prestigious choir club is one of the star acts of the night, where he is included in a trio with a senior named Moon Taeil, who is known to be one of the university’s protégé in the music department, and Kim Doyoung, who is the current Vice President of the united student council committee and is famous for his choir club audition tape that was uploaded on youtube, where he covered Ariana Grande’s Breathing, only to be noticed by _the_ Miss Grande herself. Jaemin who is in the dance department will be performing within a dance unit which is lead by _the_ Nakamoto Yuta and Ten, whose whole name they still haven’t memorized, for the hip hop competition and Mark will be joining Lee Taeyong, another senior who is somewhat a celebrity in their school as a rap duo. Jisung and Chenle visited their university that night to support their friends and to, quote, _“relive the Christmas spirit with our dear friends”_ which made Renjun cringe in his spot as he fake gags.

All in all, the winter showcase was a _bomb_. Everyone was amazing, Donghyuck was exemplary good that Jeno had lost the ability the formulate words when he tried to congratulate him at the back stage, and ended up being mauled by Donghyuck instead. Jaemin almost fell on stage which made Mark have a mini heart attack. They rushed over him once they were done, Mark scolding him about how he should prioritize his safety no matter how passionate he is in dancing. Jaemin only shrugged and flashed his blinding smile that made everyone, even Jisung, melt in awe and fondness. Mark was the last to go on stage and while Jeno knew about Mark’s obsession with rap, he didn’t know he was _that_ good. Everyone was pumped up, his friend group stood up and bobbed their heads with the rhythm and while everyone’s getting hyped, Jeno saw on his periphery how Donghyuck was struck with awe, given on how his eyes are glued on the stage, his mouth ajar. He saw him smile a little and all in a while smiling with his eyes. Jeno did not question it any further.

 *

To commemorate the night, they had decided to go for dinner at a Chinese restaurant Renjun had frequented for the past months, proudly mentioning their hotpot being the best among the best, and to give Jisung and Chenle a bit of the city experience. The supposed arrangement was like this; Jaemin will drive Renjun, Donghyuck, Chenle and Jisung to the restaurant, while Jeno will wait for Mark and the two of them will follow en route.  As he and Mark brisks walk to the parking lot where Mark’s car is, they naturally started talking about topics from the winter showcase to the most random ones, where in, if Jeno had known how big the impact of the question Mark was going to ask him in a couple of minutes, Jeno would have rather changed his role of Mark’s buddy with Donghyuck who is probably singing his heart out to a Michael Jackson song blasted in the speakers of Jaemin’s car. But Jeno isn’t a time traveler, nor did he had precognition, and so the events came along.

“I’m thinking, is the reason why you broke down months ago was because of your love life?”

Jeno stopped in his tracks, his heart suddenly picking up a faster pace. Mark stopped too, his body facing Jeno’s own. He never anticipated this question, as Jeno thought the issue of him bawling his eyes out have been long forgotten and dumped into the excess files of their unanswered sensitive late night conversations. Jeno felt caught up in the moment as he blushed deep red, and heat overcoming his cheeks. Mark made an ‘o’ with his chapped lips, amused with the sudden reaction.

“Oh my god, am I right?! Who is she?!” Mark squealed, excitement lacing his voice. Jeno thinks as deeply as he can. He avoided this conversation with his whole being, trampled the topic weighing on his mind with his studies and new found hobbies. But he perfectly knew, that whenever he meets up with _that_ one person he had been friends with for so long, he who had been the main stimulus for Jeno’s unconscious reactions, Jeno knew deep inside how he really felt. He wasn’t supposed to be able to realize it, not this fast he thinks, but then Donghyuck’s words suddenly floated in his mind, _“let your heart do the work, You’ll be surprised at how easy you’ll figure things out.”_

That was when the memories of Renjun from their childhood to the present came crashing in on Jeno’s heart. That, the first time he met Renjun, the little boy with frail arms, walking towards their front porch to introduce himself with broken korean, that time when Renjun accidentally smacked Jeno with a soccer ball, hitting him right in the face, giving him the bloodiest nosebleed in history while Renjun apologizes through gritted teeth, trying his best not to cry so that Jeno wouldn’t cry, that time when Jeno was too mesmerized on Renjun’s acting at their school play, or the sneakers Renjun personalized for Jeno’s birthday that were safely tucked behind his drawer, that time he felt a pang on his chest when he saw Renjun with his roommate, Yangyang, eating lunch together, laughing at who knows what, and that time when Jeno got sick, and Renjun, despite visiting 3 days late, despite the obvious exhaustion gracing his facial features, stayed by Jeno’s side, fed him and watched him over his sleep. There are more memories flooding Jeno’s conscious thoughts and as if Jeno can hear Donghyuck’s words over and over again, he finally felt relieved that he now knows what he really felt.

“He.” Jeno said, still staring into space. Mark only raised a brow, not knowing what Jeno meant.

“He’s a he. It’s Renjun, hyung.” Jeno’s eyes are now interlocked with Mark’s own, they were filled with intense emotions overflowing in his dark orbs.

“I like Huang Renjun.”

Jeno says it with deep conviction, that he felt the air escape his lungs. Mark who was now realizing what Jeno meant had his eyes gaping from the confession, his lips parting to draw air in his suddenly constricted lungs. Jeno felt like a huge rock was lifted from his insides, like he was floating on the cold air. It really was that easy, he takes note. And as usual, Donghyuck was right. He is always right. Jeno smiled, a giggle ready to leave his throat.

But it was all gone when Mark gasped, so loud, Jeno thought he might have seen a ghost. But when Mark’s hand suddenly was in the air, his finger pointing somewhere behind Jeno’s back, he felt his blood leave his body together with his soul. Jeno hesitatingly looked over his shoulders, cursing in his thoughts as if it’s enough to alleviate the heavy beating of his heart. There, just behind him, stood the boy whom he had been crushing since the beginning, the boy whom he just now realized was the center of his jumbled up feelings. There, behind him, stood Huang Renjun, his mouth parted and his eyes staring at Jeno in what looked like disbelief. It wasn’t Jeno’s intention to be caught up in the moment as he knows himself there isn’t anything or _anyone_ that would make him as flustered as he is now. But when Renjun didn’t say anything, and as Mark wasn’t helping with the noises he’s making, Jeno wasn’t sure how he’ll react with all of these, and so he started;

“Re.. Junnie, did… you hear that?”

Renjun nodded, his expression still the same. Jeno cursed inwardly, again and again and again. This wasn’t how he’s supposed to confess, heck, he didn’t even thought he’d confess. Internally, he can hear Donghyuck laughing at him. _Follow your heart, follow your heart._ Jeno took a deep breathe, shut his eyes only to open them again the second later.

“Renjun,” he said, “Huang Renjun, I really, really, really, like you, you, I don’t even know how but I’m pretty sure it started a long time ago, and, uh, yeah. I, like you.” Jeno hears a slap over skin, which is probably coming out from Mark, while Renjun just stood there, only letting out a small, _“oh.”_ And Jeno, Jeno can die anytime now from embarrassment, since, for the record, this is the lamest confession that is going down in the history of confessions.


	3. Chapter 3

“Wakey wakey, eggs and bakey!” Jeno groans for what seems like a minute from Donghyuck’s high pitched teasing voice. It wasn’t like Jeno have classes today nor does he have a reason to wake up at dead ass time in the morning. Donghyuck has been pestering him for days and it was obviously unappreciated. It’s not really Donnghyuck’s fault, Jeno has always been a morning person, but these days, since their hotpot event, Jeno finds himself lounging on his bed unwilling to let the sun shine on his orbs and greet the world a _good_ morning. What’s good in the mornings anyway, he tells himself.

“Donghyuck. It’s Sunday.” Jeno managed to say but his voice was muffled out by the pillow he decided to crash his face unto. Contrary to how Jeno expected Donghyuck to respond, the younger only hummed, that sweet voice Jeno had always heard from time to time. He felt his bed dip just right beside him, and then suddenly, Donghyuck’s warm hand is resting on his shoulders, too gently laid down as Jeno let the heat radiate from his palms.

“I know, that is why _we_ are going on a date!”

*

It’s not the first time Donghyuck invited him on a _date._ They had often done this in the past until it became a routine, thus the birth of the legendary _‘Donghyuck days’._ Donghyuck days were always fun, and despite Jeno being the sacrificial lamb for coddling with Donghyuck’s ways, he finds himself enjoying the moment more than he actually wants to. So, he easily craved in the idea of going out of his way to go on about whatever Donghyuck’s _big plans_ for the day.

“What if I told you,” Donghyuck starts, as he read through the menu of the restaurant they frequented, tapping the bent corners of the laminated pages and firmly waiting for Jeno to take notice of him. Through and through, Jeno thinks. He really knows his best friend through and through. The mannerism of when Donghyuck is anxious about something, the way his lips pursue into thin lines, his orbs playing around, not ever landing on Jeno, and if they did, there’s a glint of guilt present inside them that Donghyuck tries to mask with an awkward coughing fit. Jeno raises an eyebrow at him, his thoughts too busy to question the said boy.

“What?”

Donghyuck let out a sigh, until he continued;

“I was supposed to trick you into coming with me, so you and Renjun can talk.” Donghyuck eyes him, wary that Jeno will react negatively at what he said. But Jeno only had a pair of wide eyes, disbelief present in them, but no sign of anger. Jeno only hummed back, his head lowering down to ponder the information.

“So, you declined?” Jeno finally said after considering a mount of responses in his head. Donghyuck may not seem like it, but the boy could be easily shaken up.

“Yup!” Donghyuck dragged out the _p_ , his eyes lighting up the moment he noticed how Jeno wasn’t disappointed.

“You’re my best friend! I can’t just stab you in the back!”

“So, why didn’t you?”

“… Jen, what exactly happened that night?”

Jeno regretted his choice of words as the memories of the night of their winter showcase came crashing in his thoughts. And like any other person, he wasn’t as fond of sharing probably one of the most awkward moments in his life, but, deep inside, he knows how he wanted to voice it out, to complain, or maybe to cry. He looked at Donghyuck, dead in the eyes, which made the younger’s expression soften in concern and Jeno could only let out a sigh. Narrating the previous events took great efforts but it did lessen the heavy weight of hurt in his heart.

“It seems to me you’re still considering Jun’s actions?” Donghyuck finally said after the long explanation and Jeno couldn’t stress out how much he agrees to that. Because if there’s anything that Jeno could blame back then after nights of wallowing and thinking on _what exactly went wrong_ , it came down to him that it was his actions that’s at fault. And it’s not like it really went that _bad._ Everything that had happened was as natural as breathing air. He confessed, rather rushed, and Renjun was genuinely surprised. They were both caught up in the moment that no one dared to say a thing after that little “ _oh”_ Renjun blurted out once Jeno was done stuttering. Thank god, Mark was there to create a break from the awkwardness of their situation, laughing in monotone as he tries to excuse himself. Looking back to the way Renjun’s cheeks turned beet red, Jeno was _so_ sure they were on the same page, because honestly, for all the times Renjun came in Jeno’s late night thoughts, the moments they both caught themselves staring at each other’s orbs, laughing the act away, and those times where they got lost in time talking and laughing at things that did not really mattered, Jeno was so, so, sure that Renjun might have had at least the tiniest bittiest feelings on Jeno, the same feelings he have for him.

But maybe he was wrong.

After all, Renjun didn’t say anything when Jeno called after him, hopeful emotions placated on his orbs. It’s like icy cold water was splashed on his face, his skin prickling in the sensation. Jeno did not want to admit it, but truthfully told, he let his emotions ran through him as the silence stretched out uncomfortably in the night. It was already so cold, goddamn it. Renjun only blinked at him, once, twice, until he pushed his lips back for his teeth to bite. He was looking _nowhere_ near him and Jeno’s eyes hurts a little. Renjun took a little over a minute trying to articulate words, it seems, until he spoke as calm as he can, and despite his reserved tone, Jeno can’t help but notice the slight difference in the way he delicately said the words: “ _I don’t know.”_

“Stop.”

That was all Jeno could say. There was an obvious shock on Renjun’s face and with the way Renjun’s mouth opened and closed without any words coming out of it, with his eyes turning glassy once Jeno started walking away, maybe, just maybe, Jeno did made a mistake.

*

“I should have let him finish, huh.”

Donghyuck freezes midway at drinking his caramel macchiato, his eyes bulging open. Jeno saw how the corners of Donghyuck’s lips tugged up and seconds later, he’s already sporting a mocking smirk which made Jeno roll his eyes in disbelief. They moved on to a café but still inside the mall. And since it’s a Sunday, the store was bustling with patrons. They were lucky enough to spot a table for two just as the customers were about to leave.

Donghyuck suddenly clapped his hands as slow as molasses in January and if Jeno was any other person, he would have slapped the hands away and maybe with the stupid smirk too, but he’s Jeno, and he does unquestionable things for the sake of his and Donghyuck’s _brotherhood._ So, instead, he waits until Donghyuck was contented with the reaction he took out from his best friend and gingerly said: “Took you long enough?”

Long enough was four days, four days of pondering his noisy thoughts. At first, Jeno all did was to blame the ridiculousness of the situation as he tries to swallow the running regret with his fries. He never went back with the rest for hotpot, nor did he looked back at Renjun who was left standing in the cold streets, probably too shocked with what happened as Jeno walks away with stray tears in the corners of his eyes. So instead of celebrating the night with his friends, he ended up sitting at the cold chairs of a 24-hour McDonalds near their dormitory building. He at least texted Donghyuck about his whereabouts, and he’s pretty sure he’ll be scolded once he comes home so he decided against going back as he slumps his head further on the arm rest.

Being alone with his thoughts to accompany him in the night gave Jeno time to track things back with what had happened. _He regrets it._ Regrets he blurted things out. Regrets looking back at his shoulders only to find the tiny Chinese boy whose cheeks are as red as his, stunned at the way Jeno’s eyes widened in surprise. He regretted confessing after the revelation, his heart beating dangerously against his rib cage. But most importantly, he regrets walking away without ever looking back at the said boy he probably had feelings for a much longer time than he thinks. Jeno’s eyes shuts close. Maybe Jeno had been too confident with the way things are, because, who wouldn’t when, whenever he meets Renjun’s eyes, there are thousand of words and feelings Jeno knows is something akin to fondness and desire that exchanges between their orbs, but Jeno was _so_ sure about the wordless moments he shared with Renjun that it went on his head.

The second night of _long enough,_ Donghyuck managed to corner him in the bathroom when Jeno’s about to take a shower in the middle of the night, just as he came back to their dorm to sleep. He had been avoiding his friends especially a certain _Huang_ that he even put his phone on airplane mode. Of course, Jeno refused to tell Donghyuck what happened but he’s pretty sure the younger already heard from Mark since Mark’s pretty loose lipped around him. But Jeno can’t talk about it. Not when he feels like choking on air whenever he recalls the the way his heart broke into thousands of tiny pieces and his stomach bursting open from all the butterflies trying to get out. It was so painful that Jeno wanted the ground to swallow him whole, to never let him walk on earth ground. So instead, he offers Donghyuck a small pained smile, his eyes almost swelling up.

Donghyuck didn’t pushed the topic the next the day and Jeno has never been so thankful. Fridays aren’t hectic but Jeno chose to make himself busy with activities and school works. He finished his presentations for three subject that aren’t due until three weeks, hit the gym afterwards until he can’t feel the rest of his body from the strain. Maybe it was a mistake to turn off his phone from airplane mode since, as he checked the notifications awaiting for him, he read one particular name he almost wanted to reject.

 

**Junnie**

Yesterday [8:20 AM]

Jeno?

 

Today [7:15 AM]

Hey jen

 

[11:45 AM]

Jeno

Can we talk?

 

[2:23 PM]

Jen

[2:34 PM]

Please..

 

[5:06 PM]

I havent told anyone?

Hahaha

 

[10:32 PM]

Im sorry

 

Jeno shut his eyes not because of the blinding lights from his phone, but because the tears that have been threatening to spill since he woke up finally, _finally,_ traced down on his cheeks. It was spilling so fast, and so hot on his skin. There’s pooling of something heavy on his throat, his emotions falling with his sobs erupting. It’s been so hard that Jeno ended up croaking a breath as the sounds of his sniffles echoed in the room. Donghyuck was so alarmed when he woke up with Jeno’s heavy sobbing that he almost cried with him for being so lost with what to do.

And so, maybe the crying did help Jeno. As the next day, he felt so much lighter, like he can float on air. His head had been devoid of the painful throbbing and noisy thoughts and all he has are the remnants of his dried tears and a dry throat. It’s already noon when he woke up, but he still fell asleep right after he ate half of the sandwich Donghyuck left for him. When his eyes open again, it was to Donghyuck’s voice ringing on his ears.

*

“… -ince he’s my best friend too. "

“What?” Jeno asked, his head whipping up to face Donghyuck. They’re still at the café, Donghyuck’s drink almost halfway done while his’ still untouched. He lost track of their conversation long ago since accepting his own unreasonable mistake from the get-go of his situation.

“I said, Renjun’s my best friend too.”

Donghyuck looks at him with wide pleading eyes and Jeno just knows what the boy wanted. He contemplates. He knows it’s just a matter of time until he needs to face the huge unsettlement that both he and Renjun created and maybe those _long enough_ nights actually made Jeno think of things and not just cry and sulk and hide.

“I’ll talk to him tonight.” He said, a pair of confident orbs glimmering under the yellow lights of the café"

*

Meeting Renjun after four long agonizing nights sure is a nerve wrack. The way to his dormitory room has never been this hard and Jeno finds himself turning back on his heels just to go back to where he was supposed to be. He had rounded up the floor five times and the boy who had been lounging on the sofa set of their study area has been begrudgingly eyeing him on his third circle. “ _You can do this. You can do this!”_ He can’t. He groans from the frustration of his anxious thoughts. There’s too many _what if’s_ that are left unanswered and his brain could only take enough at a time.

“Jeno?”

He stops at his tracks from the familiar voice that has called his name. Four sauntering nights was enough to stress how much Jeno had missed the peachy raspy sound that was enough to make all the noisy thoughts in his head to stop. Slowly, he turns to face Renjun, suddenly afraid of rushing even when all he wants to do was to bask his eyes with Renjun’s whole being. It came as a shock when Renjun traipse over him so swift that Jeno didn’t even noticed he was already right before him, deer eyes agape at his presence. Jeno’s air was stolen from his lungs when Renjun all but reached for his right hand, gripping it so tight that it already hurts but Jeno couldn’t even react to the pain because all that his brain could process at the moment is Renjun’s warmth radiating on his unmoving, unsuspecting right hand. It left Jeno with a confused and stunned expression that Renjun usually dwells in teasing with sarcastic remarks in the past, but the Renjun today was so different as his brown orbs marvels on Jeno’s own, and as if Jeno could hear Renjun’s heartbeat with his own, pacing on the same steady rhythm, so loud yet so soft, he feels like he’ll go deaf with the resonation on his head.

Renjun pursues his lips into a tight frown, his eyes all but a knowing cogitated goggle.

“You’re not going anywhere this time, Lee Jeno.” He says and Jeno was sure his heart already jumped out of his chest.


	4. Chapter 4

It’s not Jeno’s first time visiting Renjun’s room. Back when Renjun was _dying_ from dehydration, Liu Yangyang, Renjun’s roommate, deliberately asked for Jeno and Donghyuck’s help as he _“have no idea how to nurse someone back to health.”_ Yangyang told them he wasn’t even aware that Renjun was sick, since he always went home just to sleep, and he would always see Renjun lying on his bed, sleeping still and calmly. It wasn’t until when he accidentally tripped his foot on Renjun’s bed while he was crossing towards his own, gripping Renjun’s duvet and pulling it with him in the process. He was about to maunder an apology, too embarrassed with the sudden disturbance on his sleeping roommate when he saw Renjun, still on his outdoor clothes, breathing erratically and sweating buckets. Yangyang went hysteric when Renjun elicited a painful groan as he grips his throat, his head short circuiting from all the imaginary situation his anxious mind decided to form.

“Is Renjun dying?” Yangyang asked them, worry dripping from his tone, his eyes are full on concern towards his sick roommate. Donghyuck sighed when Renjun finally calmed down from his sleep after they took necessary measures for his rising temperatures and unconscious rants about the hot weather in the middle of December.

“Close, but not yet. He’s the devil, so expect him to live for another century.” Donghyuck deadpans and Yangyang who took in Donghyuck’s sarcasm quite seriously froze for another long seconds of silence until his face contorts into an expression of pure relief, he didn’t know he had.

 

*

 

“Could you get table set?” Renjun’s voice broke Jeno’s deep trances as the older boy smiles brightly towards him. It made Jeno’s guilt from his previous actions screen over his masked emotions and it made him feel so bad that he cannot help the silent sigh that left his mouth. Jeno pursed his lips when he took out the plates and began setting the table as he was ordered to. Contrary to popular belief, it’s quite hard to fake a smile. Jeno does not know how people do it, but he’s been a crying mess inside that he just wanted to shout out all the conflicting feelings inside his mind. It was too hard to smile back at Renjun who looks at Jeno like nothing happened at all.

“Do you want that?” Renjun asked, a bit sadder on the tone. It was too late when Jeno realized he muttered the thoughts out loud when Renjun traverses the kitchen to where Jeno was, porcelain plates still on his hold. Renjun took the plates and placed them gently on the table as he took Jeno’s hands on his’. Jeno would have reacted from the act but the obvious shaking on Renjun’s hands caught him off guard as his eyes moves to look at the older boy.

“Junnie?" 

Renjun smiled at him a bit down in the mouth as he says; “I’m sorry about that night.”

Jeno at this point has been panicking, questioning Renjun what he meant and why he’s apologizing when Jeno was obviously the one at fault, but Renjun only gave him another sad smile which isn’t faring with Renjun’s usual character of proud and confident demeanor. Jeno fiddled with Renjun’s hand on him, his thumb unconsciously drawing circles on his skin.

“I just never thought you’d like me back. I was beyond happy with the friendship we have and the little things I could do for you. I already had this entire thing planned out inside my head, so, when you confessed, my mind went blank. I just couldn’t believe it. I didn’t know what to do or what to say.” Renjun says as he locks his gaze on Jeno’s confused orbs.

“I was about to ask you to give me more time to think, but when you walked out, it made me realize that what I did wasn’t right. Both of us have been played on with these complicated emotions and we were both hurting, I didn’t even notice.”

Jeno’s heart swells both in love and in guilt. He cannot fathom how to spell the words that has been stuck at the tip of his tongue for days and he’s too afraid that he might make the situation yet again worse. He swallows thick as the palms of his hands began to sweat. It wasn’t helping that Renjun was inches away from him, stargazing at the galaxy trapped inside his baffled orbs. Right now, Jeno thinks he’s the luckiest for hearing the words that came out of Renjun’s lips directed at him. _Like, like, like._ It was a dream within a dream but Jeno have it in reality, loud and clear from the boy he likes the most. But it was also a big slap in the face for not conjuring an apology before Renjun did so. It wasn’t even his fault; it was all on Jeno. Renjun, the kind hearted boy he is, makes everything seems simpler but Jeno could not just accept and go on with what Renjun came in terms with.

“Jun, I’m sorry too.”

 

*

 

“It was just a matter of time!” Jaemin shouts at the other side of the phone. Jeno have been with him for the past fifteen minutes, talking the time away. He fiddles with his jacket sleeve, shivering every time there’s a cold breeze. It’s been snowing lately but it did not stop Jeno from mustering up his courage and finally asking Renjun out on a _proper_ date.

Proper seems to be the best way to describe his date with Renjun at the cinemas. It’s been 3 weeks since the confrontation at Renjun’s room and Jeno had it engraved on his memories, how he had thousands of thorns and butterflies inside his stomach that he feels like vomiting the whole time he tried to apologize. It was agonizingly painful to watch, Yangyang’s words. Both Renjun and Jeno hadn’t even noticed him opening the door as the boy walked on them at their kitchenette, Jeno holding Renjun’s hands near his chest, stuttering at every _I’m sorry_ s’ and _I like yous_. Yangyang said Renjun was a blushing mess as he looked a bit constipated from trying to hinder the smile blooming from his lips. It earned him a big pillow on the face from Renjun, of course. Jeno would have wanted to see what Yangyang saw but unfortunately for him, his head was lowered on most of the times he spoke. Yangyang said he would have cleared his throat to make his presence known but then Renjun started to talk;

“Let’s start again, Jen. I like you; do you want to go out with me?” Renjun have asked and albeit his clear speech, Jeno somehow caught the slight tension from his lips as the words played musically on his ears.

“That’s unfair. I should be the one asking.” Jeno pouted and continued. “Please go out with me, Huang Renjun.” Followed by a quiet answer from Renjun of “Yes, I’d go out with you, dumb dumb.”

Jeno remembers smiling widely, his hand moving before he could think properly as he coyly reached out and cupped Renjun’s face. He saw how Renjun was startled but despite the sudden hesitation on Jeno’s thoughts, his face still moved forward as he tried to close the mere distance from their lips when Yangyang _finally_ shouts a big loud “ _Stop!”_

Their faces whipped to the source as they meet Yangyang’s hands covering his eyes. Renjun started laughing nervously but was soon replaced with a genuine one, that was followed by Jeno. Yangyang gasped as he looks at the two with judging eyes and walked out of the scene to his and Renjun’s shared bedroom. 

Donghyuck had pestered Jeno all night long, trying to squeeze the details of his _successful confession_. As Jeno is Jeno, he eventually gave in and told Donghyuck _everything_ (Read: not) as he suffers from Donghyuck’s endless teasing about his reddening cheeks. It was no different the next day when Jeno met Mark whom he knows well enough had already heard from Donghyuck. The two have been suspiciously close these days, not that they aren’t before, but Jeno just thinks there’s a bit more on the way they interact lately. But that wasn’t the issue. Mark had been _laughing_. Laughing at every word that comes out of Jeno’s mouth. He’s not sure what’s funny with his telltale but Mark has always been risible since they were kids and Jeno was quite thankful to the older for being with him from the rough-hewn night of their winter showcase.

“You two are two peas in a pond!” Mark says, still giggly. Jeno tilted his head sideways, asking what the older meant.

“Renjun reached out to me when you were avoiding him.” Mark starts which made Jeno’s eyebrows shot up in the sky. “He said he doesn’t know what to do. He was conflicted on giving you time and dragging you out of your room by the ear to talk things out.” Jeno shivers at the way he imagined Renjun in front of him as his little fingers pinches and drags him by the ear.

“What’s similar with us then?”

“Both of you are dumb. You could have just let him finish or Renjun could have ran after you, but you guys went ahead and complicate things, but hey! At least everything is in place now.”

That night, after talking with Mark, Jeno met up with Renjun for dinner to apparently talk about the whole ordeal of them dating. Jeno wasn’t sure what Renjun meant by then as he happily skipped to the pizzeria thinking of a certain smile and calming voice. Jeno was on his third bite through his pepperoni pizza when Renjun spoke;

“As you already know,” Jeno looked up, the cheese spilling from the crust of his pizza. “This is my first time dating-“

“What?” Jeno says while Renjun shots him an unamused look.

Renjun chuckled a bit low but it was so fond Jeno couldn’t ignore the sudden heat on his cheeks.

“Let me finish first Jen, keep eating.” Jeno nodded as Renjun continued; “Ive never been in a relationship so I am not familiar with how things work, but let’s just say I had an inkling because of Jaemin.” Jeno hummed as he relinquishes on the days back in high school how big of a flirt Jaemin was so Jeno’s not surprised if Renjun had heard a thing or two about his relationships since they’re the closest. “I am not sure how to tell you this but, I’d like to take things slow.”

“Of course!” Jeno blurted out a bit louder on the tone. He composed himself back and leaned forward to meet Renjun’s eyes. “I won’t rush anything, I’ll let you set the pace, Jun. What matters most is that you’re comfortable, okay?”

And that was mostly it. They see each other almost every day after classes despite their busy schedules, eating together or talking about their days. Jeno finds himself getting lost in time whenever he’s with Renjun and he hopes the latter feels the same. It was funny how hard he tries to stop himself from kissing Renjun right then and there when he spent mostly of his high school days doing the same thing unconsciously. He’s not sure how Renjun meant by _slow_ but even if the boy would not let Jeno hold his hand for a year, Jeno would comply. It’s nothing compared to the melodic tune of Renjun’s laughter resonating in the room, his eyes curling up until they’re half-moons as he basks in the loud beating of his heart or the fond gazes and affectionate tone Renjun uses to Jeno. It’s worth the wait if Jeno could be on constant contact with Renjun who never replies on their group chat or when Renjun allots time for Jeno every day despite his busy schedule with classes and clubs just to hang out with him. It makes Jeno’s heart burst whenever he feels like Renjun was doing everything to make Jeno feel that he’s important to him, not just as a best friend but as someone who’s more than that.

And as the days passes by, Jeno felt braver and braver as Renjun grew shyer but fonder and it’s like the perfect recipe for their untimely situation.

 

*

 

“Be brave Jeno! You will know, okay?” Jaemin says as Jeno hums through the cold air. He says his goodbyes when the figure of Renjun on a beige coat over a purple hoodie appears not so far away from his location. They waved back at each other as Renjun runs through the snow with black vans.

“My shoes are wet!” Renjun says and Jeno couldn’t help but to laugh at him teasingly. Renjun offered him a glare but it’s too playful that Jeno didn’t stopped. He was hit three times lightly at the shoulder before they enter the premises of the mall.

 

*

 

It was nice to dwell in the darkness of the cinemas before the movie starts. Contrasting to the dull fluorescent lights situated at the corners of the hall, Renjun was shining beside Jeno. He has been talking about the painting he saw three months ago with Jaemin at a local exhibit which he says he will use as a reference for a final project required for one of his classes. And as Renjun serenely describes the emotions he felt back then, Jeno noticed how his eyes lustered on the reflecting lights, how his lips tugged upward as he animatedly discusses the things he planned for the said project. Renjun’s hair bobbed every time he looks by Jeno’s side, his smile widening as Jeno nods accordingly to his story.

“I wish we could go together next time.” Renjun is diddling with his fingers, his lower lip bitten by his front teeth. Jeno gasped but not loud enough for Renjun to hear. His mouth ajar as he swipes his tongue on his upper lip trying to contain the bubble of happiness that is forming inside his lungs. It has been too long of comfortable silence for Jeno that he didn’t noticed Renjun was waiting for his answer.

“F-forget it if you don’t want to...” Renjun says it without content but Jeno knows how the words are laced with disappointment and it only made Jeno pleased. So instead of saying anything else, Jeno slowly moved his hand to reach out for Renjun’s own, and when he finally touched his, Renjun looked up, his eyes gaping and blinking fast. His hands twitched from the sudden contact, but he eventually relaxed as Jeno interlocks their fingers so delicately, he felt a bit of static from the soft friction on their skin touching.

 

*

 

_“Renjun’s afraid,” Jaemin tells him on the phone when Jeno brought up how Renjun sometimes avoids getting comfortable with him. “I know he held your hands before and you might have had the chance to kiss him, but realistically speaking, he’s a bit sensitive with those things. He has this thing with tradition, platonically he’s okay with skin-ship. But romantically, no. I’m not sure where or when these things started but he is afraid of commitment, Jeno. There may be more to his story or he’s just not cool with it, but, as his best friend, I know how Renjun is trying to get out of his box for you.” Jeno does not really know why, but he feels reassured. Maybe because Renjun is trying, for him, at most._

_“I- he told me he wants to take things slow. I don’t mind that, really. And it’s not like it’s hard not being able to do skin ship, I’m not a fan myself, but sometimes, I just want to let him know how much I like him and since I’m not really good at words, as you know, the only thing I could rely to is to offer skin ship.”_

_“Then do it!” Jaemin chuckles at the phone. “It’s not like you just had feelings 3 weeks ago. You two have been crushing on each other since high school! I know it, I’ve seen things!”_

_“Shut up.” Jeno says as he stifles a laugh._

_“You’ll know when the time comes, Jeno. You’re not walking on eggshells anymore. I’m telling you! It’s just a matter of time!”_

_“Okay! Alright! Thank you, Jun is here, I got to go!”_

_“Be brave Jeno! You will know, okay?”_

_*_

 

“Jun.” Jeno whispers, his thumb drawing circles on Renjun’s hand.

“Hmm?”

“I really like you.” He says as he gently squeezed their interlocked hands. He smiles throughout the movie despite the occasional loud cries of the sad theme. And he knows that the boy beside him is smiling through it with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's soft noren hours!


	5. Chapter 5

“Hot.”

Renjun is fanning himself with his own hand as if it helps him with the situation. It’s been 3 hours since the electricity died out and as if the gods were testing them, the generators of their dorm building are suspiciously dead. Jeno saw the creases on Renjun’s forehead deepened as the blots of sweat lay rest on his skin like trickles of dew forming on the leaves at a cool morning spring. But it’s nowhere spring as the temperature rises to maximum until it’s too hot to stroll outside the parks or walk even under the dimmed parts of the streets in the city.

Their hands have been intertwined for an hour or so, slumbering atop of Jeno’s chest as they move with the rhythm of his breathing. They are both sprawled at the carpet of Renjun and Yanyang’s living room like starfishes in the sea, the ends of their feet touching each other.

“Do you want to go out?” Jeno asked albeit the unmistakable drowsiness laced on his tone as he speaks. His eyes have been weighing tons of pounds for the last 30 minutes or so, the only things keeping him awake is the sweaty palms of his boyfriend mangled with his own salty perspiration.

 _Boyfriend_ ; it’s still new to his tongue but it tastes saccharine as the words roll out, giving Jeno hundreds of electric shocks to course on his veins. It’s been six months since they started dating and it wasn’t until a week ago since they decided that it’s about time to dive into a pool of serious relationship and commitment.

“I’m kind of sleepy.” Renjun had said.

It was just like this back from their first proper date. Having Renjun by his side, his hand on his hand under the darkness of the cinema, but unlike the comfortable air in the room, Jeno was a bundle of nerves from all the train wrecking emotions. Having able to verbalize his myriad of thoughts with the sudden urge of confidence he didn’t know where he got, the longer he holds Renjun’s hand, the more apprehending it gets. But it’s not like it was a bad thing, it was just nerve-wracking. 

Renjun fell asleep on Jeno’s shoulder half and a quarter through the movie and Jeno would be lying if he said he didn’t feel anything. If all else, all he can hear is the sound of his thumping heart almost ready to drop down his stomach and the feeling of Renjun’s stable breathing by his side. It was endearing in a way that Jeno couldn’t take his eyes off the Chinese boy.

*

“Jen, wake up.” Jeno’s eyes shot open from the call. He felt a cold breeze of air pass by his sweat filled body causing him to shiver in response. The electricity is back and Renjun apparently ran to turn the air conditioning on. It’s a hot day and necessities should be used in maximum capacity considering how they were robbed of its effects from earlier. He yawned at least three times in a row making his eyes watery and red glazed as he sniffles once more and hides his body at Renjun’s back. Jeno snaked his hands on his tiny waist to envelop Renjun on a back hug as he lay down his face on the broadness of his shoulders. It’s funny how facile the act was compared to the first time he did it to his then too wary of a boyfriend.  

And as Jeno goes back to the memories in the early phases of their relationship, he relinquishes on the days of the peak of Renjun’s shyness.

*

“Uhm,” Renjun said after he gasped from Jeno’s sudden urge to back hug him. They were on Jeno and Donghyuck’s kitchen, Renjun cooking ramen while Jeno watches from the island. It’s been weeks since their last date and they weren’t holding up well with their jam-packed schedules. It was the day after their university’s hell week and what else is a more effective de-stressing technique than eating ramen with the two of them. Apparently, Renjun and Yangyang’s room is off limits with reasons Renjun won’t tell him, going out is too much of a hassle for two burned out students too lazy to stroll, so they settle on their other option, that is Jeno and Donghyuck’s room. But the said roommate is nowhere to be found as Jeno woke up with an empty bed by his side, not sure where on earth his best friend is. It was a relief to receive a text from Mark saying he’s with Donghyuck and that he’s staying the night.

“Is it... uncomfortable?” Jeno asked Renjun who feels like a statue, stiff from Jeno’s hold. Suddenly, Renjun relaxed on his hold and it made a big tug on Jeno’s thin lips.

“It’s okay, I was just surprised.” Renjun said blithely. Often times, Jeno had noticed, Renjun have this habit of getting awkward whenever he tries touching him. It was distressing at first, knowing how Renjun reacts but as time goes by and Jeno got to observe a bit more of Renjun, the strings on his heart tugs as he sees Renjun doing his best to accept the things that comes along with their relationship.

There was this one instance in the bookstore when they were shopping for study materials. Jeno was feeling ecstatic that their midterm exams are over and Renjun has had lots of free time since. Renjun was casually humming a tune Jeno doesn’t recognized as they go by an isle of pens but Renjun was walking a bit faster that Jeno took his hand to slow him down. Jeno felt a dull ache on his chest when Renjun pulled away, his eyes slowly gape as he realized what he has done.

“You should walk slower.” Jeno said, a smile present on his face but Renjun took his actions rather hard as he murmurs an apology. Jeno does not really remember what happened next but he was sure he felt so bad he can’t stop worrying even when Renjun told him nothing’s wrong. He was walking back and forth in his bedroom that night wondering about Renjun’s thoughts. He couldn’t stay still that when he received a text from Renjun asking him to come over, he busted out of his room without bothering to slip on his shoes.

“For me?”

Renjun nodded, a huge smile placated on his face. Jeno took the box from Renjun’s hold opening it slow. Jeno beamed at Renjun when he saw the contents, taking one of the character macarons with his fingers, him gasping as he shakes his hands for Renjun to see.

“Squirtle!” Jeno coos in falsetto which made Renjun laugh in his high.

“I wanted them handmade but our microwave broke, so I thought you’d like them more if I draw on them.”

“You draw these?! Oh, my god, Renjun. I love them!”

“Thank you.” Renjun shyly replied. Jeno saw how he’s trying to contain the smile forming on his lips and the red taking over his cheeks. It was endearing enough to make Jeno fall for him even more and he thinks it’s the best feeling in the world. It was then when Renjun suddenly grabbed Jeno’s hand startling him in the process. There’re always these instances where Renjun feels braver than usual, and it’s so rare that whenever he does so, Jeno feels a thousand times luckier.

Fast-forward to a month later, they came to discuss it one time, on why Renjun’s uncomfortable with skinship. It was raining and they were stuck in the university library, their brains frenzied from studying for hours, that they ended up chatting in soft voices at the corner of the hall. Renjun was the one who brought it up, as Jeno was too afraid to even dwell in the topic as he does not want to make Renjun even more conscious with their standing.

“I’m scared.” Renjun says as he faces Jeno, they were slumped down on their chairs, the back of their hands swaying and touching from time to time. Jeno raises an eyebrow as he pursues his lips to a bite.

“Of what?”

“Of you?”

“What? Why?” Jeno was flabbergasted with Renjun’s reply that he almost fell off his chair trying to give Renjun attention. Renjun snorted at his actions but Jeno couldn’t take it as a joke.

“It’s not what you think. I’m just scared of… losing you.”

“You won’t.”

“Maybe. But we don’t know the what the future holds. And I think that’s wrong of me, but I can’t help but be anxious. I’m afraid of commitments Jen. Not because of the thing itself, but the consequences it holds. I don’t know why, maybe because I haven’t been in a relationship before but this, with you, it’s something else? I want you to want me as much as I want you, but I’m not sure how to make you.”

“Jun,” Jeno starts as his eyes holds a serious gaze. “I’m going to say this just once so listen carefully. I like you more than you think. I am helpless with these feelings and honestly? I think I’m already in love with you, but I promised you that we’ll take it slow. And we will! But for now, I want you to know that I feel so much for you I’d do anything to make you like me more and be with me until we’re grey and old. Okay, that was cringey. I’m sorry, but I’m so happy, I might kiss you.”

“What if I told you that I… want you to?” Renjun asked his eyes gazing over Jeno’s own but not before passing by Jeno’s lips. It made Jeno’s little hairs on his nape stood up from the electric shock that had coursed on his skin.

It was impulse Jeno thinks, when he took his hand to cup Renjun’s jaw, his thumb sweeping over Renjun’s lips as the latter pursues them on a thin line. There’s a second of hesitation but the longer his thumb rest over Renjun’s lips, the more he is drawn over. And with a single “Jen?” from Renjun, Jeno shut his eyes and the distance separating them was closed off. It wasn’t meant to, but his thumb stayed there, obviating the kiss. And when he opened his eyes again, his lips still lingering on his own thumb, barely touching Renjun’s own pair, he meets Renjun’s curious orbs. He slowly pulled away; his hand now gone from Renjun’s face. They stared at each other for seconds, relishing on the sudden heat in the air until bubbles of laughter spritzed out of their lungs. They found themselves stifling the snickers and when their eyes meet each other again, they smiled as they understood how trust works.

*

“Babe, are you listening?”

“Hmm? Uh, no. What was it again?” Renjun playfully rolled his eyes as he chomps down another pizza slice. They’re at a pizzeria near their dorm, their growling stomachs dragging their lazy feet to the nearest restaurant they can spot. They texted Jaemin, Donghyuck, and Mark to meet up at the place and as they salivate on the smell of pepperoni and cheese, they decided it’s best to just eat and wait.

“Jaemin said Mark and Donghyuck can’t come.” Renjun repeats. Jeno tilts his head by the side, his lips forming a pout and a high-pitched sound coming out from his throat.

“They’re always together lately don’t you think?” It was a curious observation from his part. As Donghyuck’s best friend and roommate, Jeno has been a bit protective of the younger, always worrying and waiting for him to come home. It’s motherly instincts he says to himself. Donghyuck is just a baby in an adult body.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

Jaemin arrived just as when Jeno’s about to take the last of the 3 slices left. They were given a scolding on how they should’ve waited for him and how Jaemin needs to be treated better than this.

“We love you, Nana.” Renjun made kissy faces and since Jaemin is Jaemin, he makes kissy faces back. He was about to smooch Jeno on the cheeks but Jeno already have Jaemin reflexes on his system that he knows when to elude on his skinship.

“Meanie!” Jaemin pouted but rather skittish while Jeno puts his tongue out to tease.

“And you!” Jaemin started as he slumps down his chair next to Renjun, his forehead still creased from his pizza letdown. “You broke our promise!”

“What promise?” Jeno asked, curiosity overcoming him. Renjun palmed his face as Jaemin faces him, a pizza now on his hand.

“You see, lover boy. We made a promise that we’ll marry each other if we’re both still single at forty. I was already saving up for our wedding, but the little bird went on without me and made a boyfriend for himself. I’m disappointed Injun ah.”

Renjun groaned from his seat as he eyes an addled Jeno, a laugh on its way. “That’s never going to happen now, wont it?” Renjun smiles, teasing a scandalized Jaemin, the cheese on his pizza dripping down his plate and Jeno’s even guiltier than ever.

“I hate third wheeling.” Jaemin says as he aggressively chomps down his second pizza slice.

“You love us, though?” Renjun coos, his shoulder repeatedly bumping on Jaemin’s own.

“Unfortunately.”

*

“So, you promised yourself to Jaemin?”

Renjun growls on his seat and glared at Jeno, a win for his teasing. They’re back at Renjun and Yangyang’s room, Jeno making tea to wash the remains of the pizza away.

“I knew you’d tease me for that.”

Jeno only chuckled as he sat down by Renjun’s side, two cups of tea placed in the coffee table. Jeno rests his arm over Renjun’s shoulders with his head on the arm rest. Renjun moves to face him, their faces mere inches away from each other. It’s nowhere like it before, the awkwardness completely gone and free from vexation. Everything changed but not in a blink of an eye. It’s not a walk in a park, effortless and light. It was a long process of give and take, a jumble of trust and tangled connections. It was complicated as both of them continuously searched blindly for each other but despite the misunderstandings and untimely clashing of their feelings, everything goes well in the end as if the whole ordeal was planned, as if they were meant for each other. And maybe they are.

Jeno closes the distance between them softly kissing Renjun’s rosy lips. It may be seconds or may have been minutes, Jeno couldn’t really tell. He even lost count on how many times they did this that it makes the events months before feeling like a faraway dream. But despite the knotty arrangements of them going on places and likening to a roller coaster ride, the whole process was worth the effort if he could be with Renjun until, he dares say, forever.


End file.
